When a man meets a women...
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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"I went to a wedding. I couldn't believe the groom was married in rented shoes. You're making a commitment for a lifetime, and your shoes have to be back by five-thirty."
Jerry Seinfeld
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Cheesy Pick-up lines
- Are you religious? Because I'm the answer to all your prayers!
- Is there an airport nearby, or is that just my heart taking off?
- Do you have a library card? Because I want to check you out!
- Excuse me miss, is your dress felt? Would you like it to be?
- Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes!
- Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up
with a biscuit!
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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it
a few times". Rita Rudner
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Blonde Jokes and
Others
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other
for 25 cents,' she said.
'What do you mean?' he asked.
'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
A highway patrolman spots a car speeding along on the highway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see a blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The Trooper saw this, cranked down his window and yelled...... "PULL OVER! "NO!" yelled the blonde. "SCARF!"
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." Asked the cop "did
you drop it right here?" "No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the man got up to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what he had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the man, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively.
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
Nude Picture At The Art Gallery!!
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Encyclopedia for Sale
Complete set of Encyclopedia For Sale, Excellent Condition. No longer needed, got married last week - Wife knows everything !
CLASSIFIED AD
A lady places an advert in her local paper it read " Husband wanted", next day she receives hundreds of responses, they all read the same "You can have mine"
John was talking to his fiancé, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm. "Really?" he said excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'." John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Q: What is the difference between men and women:
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
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Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Meaning: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Meaning: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Meaning: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Meaning: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Meaning: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Meaning: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Meaning: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that
I'm hurt."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Meaning: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
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"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."
Rodney Dangerfield
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Women's T-Shirt Sayings
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
And your point is...?
You KNOW you want me.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer,
sex raises some pretty interesting questions." Woody Allen
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Love, Lust & Marriage
Love: When intercourse is called making love
Lust: All other times
Marriage: What's intercourse?
Love: When it doesn't matter if you don't climax
Lust: When the relationship is over if you don't climax
Marriage: What's a climax?
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice.
Love: Aroma -- French perfume
Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket.
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat.
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Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
Homer Simpson
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